Ugh.....

 Well that was depressing. I didn't cry... but could have and probably should have. I had a lesson with Liz today and I woke up rather cranky because my phone woke me up 20 minutes before my alarm went off. So I decided to ride Lyric first because... Funny is soooo sensitive. And I have way lower expectations with Lyric, so it's not as easy for me to get frustrated. Unfair, but... it is what it is. So that's what I did. 

 

We tacked up and walked up to the arena and I did some in hand work... backing, turn on the forehand and turn on the haunches and then we jogged a lap or two. Then Liz got there and I got on and did one "power trot" around the arena. She didn't stretch out as much, but maybe it's because I didn't walk once I got on first. Liz immediately was like "what's up with the head tilt"? Right? Sigh.. It's not new, but it's more obvious. Maybe because it's worse, maybe because other things aren't as obvious anymore? I don't know. But I've noticed that she has her nose cocked left almost the ENTIRE time. Like... her left ear is higher constantly. And she's definitely stiffer bending left and doesn't want to close the upper cervicals to the left. So Liz touched her and said she felt like it was right at C3... a blockage. Interestingly, that's where her mane splits. She said it felt like her nerves were in a frayed knot... like instead of a solid rope... the rope had split open into all the strands which were all splayed out. She said that there was no energy from the hind end past C3. So... she put her energy into it and said she had to go all the way up to 100 to get the energy to even flow and all Lyric did was slightly vibrate her chin. She said at that level, Party and Funny would have just about flipped over. Sigh... But she said that she felt good... ie, not painful... not icky.... no more of that sulphury feel. 

So we started back out again. We walked and did a tiny bit of trotting. We watched and realized that basically Lyric is super neuro. She has to focus really hard in order to accomplish things. She can get into a rhythm. But then if I'm on top, she has to focus on her balance, then my balance, then the rhythm. And if we change gait or direction, she has to refocus and rethink and rebalance us both and then she can get herself steady. She was showing us this by taking about 30 seconds to 3 minutes to get into a nice normal steady walk after standing. And it's not an arthritis stiffness thing. She really just felt neuro and uncordinated in all her body parts until she got them all working and swinging appropriately. And then she feels good. And then she starts tracking up and swinging and walking with normal impulsion and speed. Liz had to tell me to let her figure it out. Don't nag her... don't get after her or chase her. Just... give her time to figure it out. I can't compensate for her. And when I push too much (ie, use my whip) she gets frustrated because she can't... not yet. And everytime we stop... she has to recalibrate when we start again. Same thing with trotting. 

 

We also realized that the rooting is her way of saying "my nervous system has had too much.... I need a break" because when I didn't stop when she started rooting... she would really struggle and fall out behind or trip up front. And... she also felt lame again today tracking right. Liz got it on video and... it's so hard to tell. She looks totally neurologic... the front end and back end don't match.. but she also looks lame. And... while I get that both of my vets keep saying left front or left hind.... to me, it looks and feels right hind... and maybe front end. But it's so hard because it's almost always when she's rooting and when she's rooting, she's throwing her body around. 

 

At the end of our ride... Liz's thoughts were that it's upper cervicals... nervous system related.... and something that we can hopefully fix through neurologic PT. Which, is kind of cool, because innately I've been doing that more or less. We decided that she needs to know the pattern. That's why she does so well with a routine. It's one less thing her brain has to focus on. So if I stick to the same pattern... she can "learn" it and settle into it. Then I can add something new. I can still do more rapid changes to help retrain/reroute her neural pathways, but I need to do them within a pattern. And I need to remember that it is going to take her a good bit of time to settle into the things... so don't do too rapid of transitions. I need to give her the time to allow her to get herself situated.. then to get herself situated with my balance.. and then to get her gait more forward and swingy. I shouldn't expect instant reactions and recovery. But also, I need to not cover for her and let her figure it out. I can't hold her... I can't micromanage her... I need to allow the energy to come through and let her trip and catch herself. I need to allow her to figure out how to do it herself and then how to do it with me on board and then how to do it with me on board and more correctly. She said that if we do this a month or two and there's no change.. then we need to have a conversation. BUT... that Lyric is trying and so hopefully we can create some compensations for her that are functional. She also threw out again that she would make an amazing therapy horse in the future. Which... also made me want to cry. Because.. I do love her and I don't want to part with her. 

 

So... yeah. I wanted to cry on the walk back down to the barn. Like... I kind of knew in my heart that she was neuro... but damn... today was pretty blatant. But then... later... Kelli called and told me about her vet appt and how her horse was diagnosed with high suspensories and his neck films were fairly unremarkable and his pelvis ultrasound wasn't horrible, and... he seems weird and kind of neuro at times too. And then I watched the video Liz took when she was rooting in the trot and... she looks legit lame to me too. So I have no idea... I don't know if I should make an appt with Dr. Barrow and insist that she watches me ride her. I don't know if I should call and ask her if she thinks I would need to go back to UGA instead and have them do a neuro work up? Or... if I let Dr. Barrow work her up again and we ultrasound the right stifle.. because the left was beautiful. Or work her up for lameness again. Maybe it's the front end?? Or do I see what Kelly Eaton thinks in my lesson Sunday? Do I swap out for Funny and not waste my money with Kelly... or change my plan with what Liz and I had sort of come up with? Sigh... I don't know. I just know that I"m heartbroken that my poor, sweet, kind mare who is trying her best.. is just struggling so badly.