Lovely Lyric, Awful me

Yuck. Menopause SUCKS!!!! Or what I'm assuming is menopause. Pre-menopause. Or a really ugly long period phase. But it was bad. I woke up feeling okay and it was a beautiful morning. I had planned to meet Kelli for a ride. 

 

I grabbed Lyric and she loaded great. We got to Ashland and met Kelli and Marvin. And... I just got a wave of hormones. Kelli showed me how awesome Marvins neck looked and it just... set me off. Not because I was upset about Marvin. I was glad for Kelli. It just.... set off this wave of ugly in me. Like... I've been busting my butt, working my tail off, riding in this ridiculous awful miserable weather, and.. my horses necks look like crap. I was feeling a bit sensitive too because of Dan's vet visit I think. Dr. Kate said he looked great but noted he had lost some topline. And I know...he has. I think he lost some weight and with the heat... but yeah. I don't know. It just... made me so angry. Like irrationally angry. And also sad. And feeling like a failure. And then I was mad at myself for feeling that way. And then Kelli asked me how my head was. Which was code for "dude, you're being quiet and weird". So that irked me too. 

  

But we went to the arena and rode. It started out great! Lyric was actually quite nice in the bridle and contact. At least in the sense that she stayed not-inverted and was somewhat soft in the bridle with actual contact as opposed to none or hanging. And while I'm certain she wasn't through in her back yet, it was much better than it had been. I did put her on robaxin to see if that would help her "let go" with her neck and back muscles and move more correctly and through. So then we cantered right, which was pretty nice. Not the best transitions as she was sluggish going into the canter, but... at least not explosive. By then Kelli had finished her ride and pulled off to the shade to sit and wait. And watch. And Deb had also wandered up and was sitting there watching too. So... I had an audience. And that kind of pissed me off because.... hormones? So we cantered left and it was awful. She kept falling in and was hanging on the inside rein so hard. If I let go she broke gait or ran out of the arena. I tried picking the inside rein up... dropping it... opening it. I tried dropping the outside rein, more outside rein, less outside rein. If I used outside rein she would just... turn to the outside. It was so frustrating. And I knew some of it (all of it was my balance throwing her off). I couldn't figure out what to do with my body to help her. And I just.... got so frustrated I yanked on her face. Repeatedly. And... with them watching. Which, made me more frustrated because I was so mad at myself.  But then we had a decent canter and I praised her and quit. 

   

And then I had to go talk to them. And it was just... icky. Kelli knew I was upset but we couldn't talk with Deb there. And Deb was talking about how great Lyric looked and how far we've come and.. I just wanted to cry. Sigh... Kelli and I had planned to take a short hack at least after but she decided she had too much to do and needed to head home. And Deb had already ridden but opted to come with me. Which, was fine, but... I probably could have used a solitary ride to cry my eyes out. Because now I had moved from angry to super upset. 

 

But it was a decent trail ride. We didn't do a ton because Lyric was a little ouchy being barefoot behind. And it was hot and buggy. But Lyric was good and we got lots of stretchy walking. Or at least lowered head walking with what felt like a relaxed brachiocephalic. So yay. And while she didn't get in the lake at all, she do go into the water complex and walked up out of the bank from the water. And back at the trailer she did snuggle a tiny bit, so hopefully she forgave me for getting upset at the canter. Sigh..

 

Then on my way home I called Kelli and she asked "Can I ask you something without you coming across the phone and tearing my head off? Could you be hormonal?". So... yeah... then of course I got super pissed again. Like... screw you! I put up with your hormones for 2 years and never really complained and now you're talking down to me and insulting me at the same time. I almost hung up the phone. But then I told her yes and then... about started to cry. Jeeesh.. this is AWFUL!!!

 

I also did some comparisons. So... we have made some changes. Mostly positive. Maybe not quite where I want her yet, but headed in the right direction. I think anyways.