SOOO much good... and then soooo much bad.

 Sigh. Maybe I'm not cut out for chestnut mares. Especially sensitive chestnut mares. 

I hate how I get sometimes. I even prayed for God to help me NOT go there. But I did anyways. Sigh... And our day started so good!

My friend, who lives at the end of the neighborhood, finally got to come ride with me. She wasn't sure how well her horse would ride to get here though as he can be squirrely on the road. So, she messaged me when she was heading this way and I grabbed Lyric and got her groomed and tacked up. I guess maybe I was a little rushed because I wasn't sure how long it would take Brooke. Add that to the fact that the horses were in the middle pasture because of Brooke coming over and Lyric was a little stressed. Not bad, but a little stressed. When she was tacked up we headed out in the driveway to see if Brooke was here yet. She wasn't, so while we waited we did our pillar walk around the turn around. She was pretty good, although a little on edge. But she settled quite nicely. And then... Brooke still wasn't here, so... I thought maybe I could hack out and meet her?? So I got on and we headed out into the culdesac. Lyric was quite nervous and luckily Brooke appeared pretty much as soon as we got onto the street. I guess Bailey was being a bit naughty because she was on foot. Lyric was like "WHAT IS THAT?!" and almost spun. ha ha.. Luckily she simmered down though she was still on edge. I ended up getting off so I could get the gate and then I just walked Lyric up to the arena with Brooke.  They were both a little spooky and Lyric almost pulled back once or twice... spun once... There was also some truck on the road that they could just barely see through the treeline. And to be fair, it's not usually there! And it was warm but there was a strong wind whipping through and a storm brewing! But we managed to get both horses into the arena, and both relaxed. Brooke said that the arena is Bailey's happy place, and for Lyric... the arena is a known. It's routine. So therefore, it's her happy place too in ways. 

I walked her around a tiny bit doing our pillar walks and then checked whether she could follow her nose. MUCH better today!. So then I got on. She was good. We walked a good bit and did the "follow your nose" thing. And then I did the zigzag thing I watched in equitopia. Which is essentially the same thing as "riddling/follow your nose" but slightly different in that you zigzag vs just... follow your nose until you're upright. She was really good. We did some trotting too and did the same thing and she was pretty darn good. She's still leaning/falling to the left and we have to spin/circle to the left a bit more extreme to get her to let go, but she was better today. And we got some really nice soft trot work. Then I played a little bit with just changing the flexion. Similar to the zigzag on the circle I guess. We went a few steps to the right, then a few steps to the left, then back a few steps right. And she really sort of relaxed down into it. I'm not sure if it's correct... but she seemed to square up underneath herself and stay upright and softened her neck nicely. And still on a very soft contact. If you could even call it that. So then we cantered some. And she was pretty good. We started right lead and she was good although quick. But we got a nice soft neck with a tiny bit of "rounding" at the end. Then we were trotting and she got quick so I did the "follow your nose" and she was falling in so I put my inside leg on and she picked up the left lead canter so we went with it. Duh... I need to remember that it's not just sitting on the outside hind leg.. I also have to add inside leg. I think I keep forgetting the inside leg and only using the outside leg and she needs the inside leg. But we got a nice canter that way too. Then the trot was quick again, but she did settle down and give me some more nice trot. We stopped and talked a little bit and she actually stood quiet and soft with her neck relaxed! It was awesome! We did a tiny bit more trotting and had mostly good work, so I found a really nice spot to quit and we quit on that. A very productive ride! Even with being sprinkled on some of it!

We walked the ponies back and said goodbye to Brooke. (She messaged later to tell me she had made it home!). I turned Lyric out so that I could hitch the truck back up and get her lunch and give her a little breather. Plus I wanted to check the weather. 

It looked like the weather was going to cooperate so I grabbed her and we tried loading. She went on but then came right off. I got her back on again, and then she came off again. And then she wouldn't get on again. Like... at all. So I stopped... I prayed. I prayed for patience... not to lose my temper... for wisdom and guidance on how to get her on. And I asked again. And she still wouldn't go. So I asked again.... and waited... and again. And she sort of kind of got on. And then it started raining a little harder. So I got mad and said fine.. you don't get lunch then. And turned her out. 

And then... I started stressing that now I'm teaching her that if she says no, she gets turned back out with her friends. She can't rationalize that she's not getting the dinner that's in there. She just knows the pressure is off and she's free to be free. And this is where I get into trouble. Because I start doubting myself. And then that makes me ... scared? upset? sad? and so I then do things I probably wouldn't have had I felt secure in my methods. 

So... I watched the weather and it looked like the storm cloud was going to pass over, so I went and picked up one muck bucket worth of poop from the pasture. Then I went back for a second bucket and gave her some xylazine. I thought maybe that the sedation would help some of the anxiety factor away. So I gave it to her IV and then got another bucket worth of poop. That way I was giving it time to kick in. So then I grabbed her and we headed back. I even dropped the side ramp and the chest bar, so... that she could go forward if needed. (Actually, I might have done that from the get go). And... she got on, but immediately came off. And then back on... but as soon as I touched her butt, off she came. So I tried again. And she wouldn't go on, and even worse, she started pulling back.  And then, I got mad. I knew better... but I'm just so frustrated. And I think it boils down to... I am a failure because I can't get her to load. And then I start stressing about how on earth are we going to be able to compete in Kentucky if I can't get her loaded. And while I know that's not til October, we also need to learn how to do XC if we want to do the eventing class. Sigh. I hate it. So then we both escalated and she was upset and scared and throwing herself into the trailer again. And then scrambling. So I started crying... and stopped her and just sat at her head at the ramp and cried. She took a breath. And then we calmed ourselves. I asked again. It took a few but she went all the way in and I immediately asked her to come back out (which she was already doing anyways) and I praised her and turned her out. 

Sigh... I'm so defeated. Like... do I just give up on trailering? Do I just accept the fact that she'll be an "at home" pony only? Or breed her? Give up on the RRP? Do I just beat her on and do it repeatedly until it's acceptable? Or I create learned helplessness? sigh. That's not really a question. It's just a statement of my frustration. But I do wonder if perhaps I just need to stop drilling the trailer loading. I think part of my frustration is that once I got her on the trailer, I expected to make faster progress. But it took me this long just to get her reliably loading... and now I've undone it all. But maybe I shouldn't be expecting her to go from reliably loading to putting up the butt bar in 1 week. Maybe I should expect another 6 weeks. And then another of progressing from the butt bar to the ramp. And then another 6 weeks before I can move the trailer. And... that's depressing. Maybe though I should just focus on our bond instead. Certainly this isn't helping. She now thinks I'm a crazy person who is not to be trusted. And rightfully so. Which makes me want to cry again. 

So I don't know. I'm afraid to ask people for help because I don't want to get people hurt.. I also don't want to do it the wrong way and make it worse... and.. it's admitting defeat. Which is hard for me. But I did sign up (and pay for) a phone consult with Amy Skinner. I'm not sure if she'll tell me anything I don't already know. I just... am at my wits end and ready to give up. 

No photos from our ride today because I was distracted with Brooke, but... I did use equilab. And I have cute photos from her flirting with Dan this morning.