I'm the worst...

 Ugh... I shouldn't have bothered today. Like, really. I was a bad, bad, bad momma. And I hate it now and feel awful but I just couldn't make myself be better. 

I was in a great mood this morning. I pulled Lyric out and we went to the trailer with her lunch. She got on and was eating and I touched her butt and she was good. I then tried to put the butt bar up and she panicked and came flying out at me. Obviously I wasn't able to get the butt bar up and I'm lucky she didn't smash my hand. Sigh. So then I tried to get her back on and she wouldn't go. So then I gave her some ace, to take the edge off. We did our cookie stretches and a tiny bit of pillar walking and then we tried to load again. And she wouldn't. Like, wouldn't even go near the trailer ramp anymore. And, my hormones are about to hit the 24-48 hrs of supreme sadness and depression, so I got upset. I got frustrated and annoyed and angry. Because for the love of all... why is this so hard?! It's not like I'm not out here every day trying. It's not like I'm asking you to load after not having even attempted to load you in 6 months!! Why is it so hard and scary. Of course, me getting upset did not help at all. Sigh.. and I knew better. And I tried. I texted a friend to give myself a moment to calm down. Unfortunately that didn't help. UGH.  So I did manage to get her 3/4 of the way on and then the guy who was coming to do some tree work showed up, so... I just told her she was a good girl and turned her out. 

But then, because I'm me... after the tree guy left I grabbed her again and got another scoop of feed. "Maybe the drugs are kicking in again and not being overridden". Sigh. Not so much. I did manage to get her on after some patience and she ate a few bites. And then she got off. And then while standing near the trailer, I looped the lead rope around her butt and poked her in the butt with my finger to "step up". Maybe if she has a "get off the butt bar" button... that would be handy. Although it might be easier to do with another person. But, I tried. So then I managed to get her on and she ate a few more bites and seemed calm, so I let her come off and then we were done. Sorry... if you want the rest of your lunch, then quit backing off. 

So then I groomed her and did some surefoot pad work. And then I tacked up and we walked up to the arena. Well, as soon as we got into the pasture she started balking. OH NO! Not today mare.. not today! So I went and got the dressage whip and she marched her butt up to the arena with no balking. Sigh. And this is why I get into trouble a little bit. Is she REALLY afraid of the trailer or is she just testing me and I'm letting her realize I'm a softy?! I can rationalize it both ways, although I do really think she is upset/scared with the butt bar going up. Anyways... we got to the arena and did our pillar walk. Then we did our yielding to the rein and bend laterally work. Then I got on. And we did the lateral bending from the saddle. And she was getting it. So then we started walking and trotting. And she was LOVELY! Like... I was bummed I didn't have the pivo running because she felt really nice. We even did our little 3 loop serpentine to centerline both ways multiple times and she's getting the hang of it. 

And then, instead of being smart and quitting... I got greedy. So I asked for the canter. The right lead was fine and pretty decent. Then we had some struggles with the left lead. She kept giving me the right. And I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong asking for it. So we got it. And then I wanted to try again and we got it wrong. And then we tried again and got it right, but because I wasn't sure what I had done exactly to get it, we tried again. And basically we did that a few times and eventually ended with I think two consistent left leads. But that whole thing basically made her all anxious so then she was all hot and running in the trot. And not bending or using her body. So I had to make her follow her nose and essentially ended up spinning her and having to pull on her mouth multiple times. Again, feeling awful for being such a mean mom. sigh. Eventually she settled and we got a lovely soft trot with some downward stretch both ways. And I quit. We did ride through the pasture back to the barn, but I didn't need to prove anything else and take her on a "trail ride". 

I aplogized to her the whole way down to the barn. After I untacked her I took her for a rinse as she was soooo sweaty. (Yes, it's February but it was like 67 degrees today with sunshine and no wind). And she stopped as I was walking her into the washrack and pulled back. Excuse me?! And because of how my day had been going, I got mad. I yanked on her face and then spanked her because she wouldn't "send" even when I sent her away from the wash rack. Then she panicked and skittered around and flung both of the collanders for their beet pulp flying. And scared herself. Oh my gosh.... YOU'VE BEEN IN THE WASHRACK REPEATEDLY!' Seriously mare... are you this freakin' senstive and delicate?! UGH. So I hosed her off in the driveway. And then I tried bribing her in with treats. I managed to get her to step both front onto the mat and praised her and turned her out. I just... couldn't anymore. 

I'm still so disappointed in myself. And so frustrated with her. And just... depressed again now because of the hormones mostly... but I just want to go do things. Fun things. I want to go trail riding. I want to go to hunter paces. I want to go take a lesson.. or do a clinic! I just want to do things! I'm soooo soooo sooo glad and grateful that I have an arena to ride her in. And a nice one. And that I can ride in the neighborhood (literally one stride more each day, so eventually we'll get to do the whole thing). And grateful for all the things  But it's also a little lonely day in and day out and there's so much more fun things to do at Ashland. Sigh... This too shall pass...