Upright, but crying.

 What's the Irish saying when asked how one is? "Upright and not crying".... except I've been adding "currently" under my breath. And today... not even. Heck, I was so tempted to NOT be upright too.

After my ride with Funny which had me worried again about her... I got Lyric. We tacked up and headed to the arena. I started with some circles around me in hand, focusing on bend, engaging the inside hind, and staying square and upright on the front feet. Then I got on and we did the inflate and deflate thing. Deflating is way easier for her when she's in this mindset. So then we picked up the trot and worked on the contact. And... she took a few lame steps. Mostly obvious when we changed directions or first picked up the trot, but it seems like the longer I rode, the worse it got. It felt like right front to me. It was almost worse tracking left initially. The right front is the shoulder with the puncture, but it's been a week. She's tender if you mash on it, but fair.. it still feels superficial and looks decent. So I don't know. I also think that's the foot I was worrying about prior to her even stepping on the clip (which is the left front). So... after a little bit of work to see if I was losing my mind and imaginging things or it was real, I got off. 

I put her on the lunge line and she sure did look subtly lame. Probably not that subtle as I suck at lameness, but... what I would call a 1/5. I still think it's right front. Sigh.. So I just gave up. I walked her home and hosed her off and turned her loose. And I cried. I don't know what to do. I've got three lame horses. How on earth can I afford lameness exams and foot rads on all 3?!! I just want to ride my ponies. I had a pity party. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of working my ass off for 10 hours 3 days a week in the hot miserable weather to barely be able to afford my horses. I'm tired of trying to cram the rest of life in the other 2 days and weekends. I'm tired of feeling rushed while riding my 3 horses because I don't have as much time as I want. I'm tired of having to choose between riding them and accomplishing other farm chores or Mike. I'm tired. I'm just tired. I'm tired of my right arm being weak and fatigued and I'm sure very close to breaking. I'm tired of headaches. I'm tired of the heat. I'm tired of my left lower back hurting. I'm tired of ponies losing shoes and paying farriers to put them back on and take them off. I'm tired of worrying about whether they are lame or not. I'm tired of worrying about their saddles, their bridles, their bits, their shoes, etc. I'm tired of not having time or life energy to do body work on them. I'm tired of stressing about their health and soundness. And I'm tired of not being able to go out and show and compete. I'm tired of constantly putting my AEC and T3D goals on the back burner. I'm tired of having to cancel lessons and shows. And I'm tired of not getting to spend time with Mike and honestly, I feel awful that I'd often rather ride than do other things with him, especially when riding hasn't even been bringing me joy lately. I'm just.. exhausted. I'm about ready to just give up. Let them all be barefoot hairy pasture puffs and then... I can not work as much because they'll be cheaper and I can just hang out with Mike and garden and do farm chores and get fat and lazy. Sigh... 

I was so tempted to come inside and lay down and cry and pout. And I know... I KNOW... I'm blessed. I have a job I love.. I only have to work 3 days a week. I can barely afford the horses but I can. I don't have to pay for rent or utilities or even food really. I have a great husband who supports me and barely whines, even though the house is a mess and I'm a terrible wife. I have 4 lovely ponies who are trying their best. I'm just... it feels like it's been so hard for so long. I was finally hoping that I would be able to ride all 3. Even if Dan's still just trail riding. He's fun... I'm sad but... I can focus on the girls training. But golly.... 

So yeah.. I'm not okay today. I managed to make myself get Dan and go take him around the neighborhood because of course... I am having to work this afternoon, which means I don't have time to take him to Ashland or Charlie Elliott or the horse park for a hack. But at least I did go ride Dan. Instead of pouting inside on the couch and crying. I'm not sure it did me any good. 

And now I have no idea about Lyric. I don't know if it's the puncture in her shoulder making her sore. I don't know if it's something more sinister. Heck, I don't even know if it's her right front or the hind end. And... now... now I've got three lame horses! How on earth am I going to afford to be able to get all 3 worked up. Because I'm tired of just injecting things and hoping. I really want to do more diagnostics and know for sure what I'm treating. But that's gonna be expensive. And which vet do I use? Barrow? Keelin? UGA? Do I try Carter? Do I haul to NC for Kate? Do I try Tasida's amazing vet? Do I try to get Dr. Baker?! Sigh... do I do all 3 at once? Ughhhhhh

Side note.. I was proud of Lyric this morning because she also noticed the geese in the field and joined Funny in the investigations. That's not an insecure girl! That's a brave little toaster! And she also came up for cookies and haltering.